Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. How dare she share her own interests. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. No. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. Absolutely. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Our differences are what make people interesting. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. lets_be_honest I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. How so? I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. I know I did. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? 2. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. She is also noncompetitive. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. bittergaymark He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. lets_be_honest His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Most of them are women. Do not let that behavior continue. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. . I was saying thats debatable. . My fave was Joey for the record. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. And musicals should be revered as an art form. She may still resent her father and you! To care for our two young kids. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Ask Erin: I'm Exhausted By My Daughter's Depression | Ravishly My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. It struck me the wrong way, too. Adult Children Living at Home Driving You Crazy - Empowering Parents Encourage her to have fun with him. A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. I cant believe you didnt address that. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. is the crux of your real issues here. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. Yes. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. Make it easier for him to be his best self. a truly horrible driver. You May Not Know These 8 Things Are Pushing Your Husband Away - Lifehack No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? I know that we all love the music from our generation. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. Maybe not, though. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. However, its wife that wrote in. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine I think this is a great point. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. Seriously? I honestly think both parents are at fault. Thats awesome! My mom is super-duper awesome. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. But am I mad at her now? I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. We all died laughing. . That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. . The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Awesome show full of information. Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Parent first, friend second. Settlers of Catan! LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. He let us put makeup on him. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Jordan was my fave back in the day. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. Highlight their special talents and abilities. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. Hmm, maybe. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Aaaaah! But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Thats still not OK. Good luck! I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. No. You're surely not alone. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. 2. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. Exposure to anything is great for children. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. bittergaymark I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Addie Pray Most certainly. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. So sad. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. 5 Things to Do When Your Spouse is Driving You Crazy And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. Its not rocket science. I see his point to some extent. Um, no. bittergaymark No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. Which is exactly why she wrote in. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter.
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